A thousand years ago when I was elected student body secretary in high school . . . and my twin sister was not. . . how was I to know that she felt awful?  Last week over coffee we recalled this experience and so many others that are difficult for twin teens.   I had no idea that my sister felt so guilty about getting into a prestigious and highly academic high school program that I did not qualify for.  As a result, she told me that she chose to only participate for one semester rather than two.

Even though these events occurred more than forty years ago, they remain salient emotional markers in our adult relationship.  My sister and I are grateful beyond words that we had each other during our growing years.  We both recognize and acknowledge that it was our twinship that protected us from unhealthy family dynamics.  Most siblings, including twins, form a distinct relationship with each parent.  I tried to take care of our mother emotionally.  My sister, on the other hand, experienced such profound maternal disappointment that she stopped feeling any connection to her at all.  Both of us reacted in different ways to a situation rife with maternal neglect and cruelty.

As we have raised our own children, we have a renewed appreciation about how our unique connection to one another actually saved us.  I have interviewed hundreds of twins and am often told that the twin relationship served as the anchor and safety net in family situations where the parents were emotionally damaged.

While my sister and I are similar in may ways, we have distinct preferences and personality traits.  I love to shop and spend money; she buys her clothes online and is careful about “saving for a rainy day”. Nonetheless, our shared experiences create an unbreakable bond that allows for individual differences and perspectives.  Our need to create an even balance is no longer an issue, as it was in high school.  So, we can tip the scale in many directions without either one of us feeling fearful about falling off - such are the advantages of wisdom, mindsight, and hindsight as we grow older and wiser.



Parenting Seminar

“Using Emotional Intelligence to Raise Compassionate and Resilient Children”

Sunday, June 12

12:30–5:30 p.m.


$50 General

$40 Skirball Members

$30 Full-Time Students


In this seminar, participants learn to help their children become emotionally intelligent and find ways to express their feelings authentically and appropriately.

Through a keynote presentation and multiple workshops, participants will learn how to use Mindsight with their children to help them discover their feelings as a source of strength.

Techniques for cultivating resilience and well-being will be explored. The seminar will also enable parents and caregivers to strengthen bonds with children, leading to stronger families and communities.

Designed for parents, expectant parents, mental health care practitioners, and teachers, the program includes the keynote lecture and two ninety-minute workshops, Session A and Session B.

Dr. Joan A. Friedman will be offering a worshop during Session B, from 4:00pm till 5:30pm.

Raising Emotionally Healthy Twins

Facilitator: Joan Friedman, PhD, author of Emotionally Healthy Twins

Drawing on her experience as a twin, the mother of twins, and a psychotherapist specializing in twins, Dr. Friedman outlines seven key concepts for helping twins develop into self-realized, resilient individuals. Her current research about adult twin development will enhance parental awareness about twins’ ongoing emotional growth.

I want to thank everyone who filled out the survey.  More than 250 people participated, from ages 18 to 85, and I continue to receive responses every day. I was surprised by some findings and validated by others.  More than ever, I am convinced about my book‘s relevance since so many twin pairs are hungry for information and advice concerning their relationship to their twin.  The majority of respondents were very motivated to understand the aspects of their twin relationship that contribute to feelings of sadness, confusion, and fear.  While a small percentage of people were incredulous that being a twin would have any unpleasant or negative consequences, most authentically acknowledged difficulties and desired help in resolving them.  Many twin pairs are attempting to work out their issues so that the twinship can maintain its integrity alongside other primary relationships.
I was not surprised by the fact that there were only a handful of respondents who expressed unmitigated resentment and estrangement from their twin.  The few who did so described years of legitimate frustration and angst.  The segment where I appeared on the Rachel Ray Show entitled “I Hate My Twin” a few years ago was an exaggerated and sensationalized ploy geared to generate audience ratings and publicity.  Like so many survey respondents, the young women on this show were struggling to understand and rework their issues with separation and individuation.  Presently both are doing well – living in separate cities, pursuing different career paths, and appreciating their cherished connection.  It is imperative that non-twins along with society-at-large recognize that twins, just like singletons, have expectable developmental struggles with their siblings. Conflict does not signal that they hate each other nor insinuate that they are no longer close. Twins’ yearnings to forge other intimate relationships without alienating or hurting their twin emerge as the salient struggle.
 I do want to mention the many poignant stories shared by twins who describe how their powerful connection to their twin helped them survive traumatic events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, and illness.  The multiple references to fear about twin loss reflect the love and devotion that many twins feel for each other.  Also, the diverse parenting styles reported by twin pairs were intriguing.
 Thanks again for your continuing interest in and support for my work.  I will keep you updated on my research and the book’s publication.


I was speaking with a mom of twin toddlers the other day that was lamenting the fact that her girls were no longer content playing by themselves.  They both want mom at the same time now and are bent on outdoing the competition.  Mom used to be able to placate one while she handled the other.  Unfortunately, now the stakes have changed.  If she is sitting with one on her lap, the other comes and rests her head “assertively” on mom’s knee, making it very clear that she is not pleased about her sister’s “top billing”.

I reminded mom that developmental stages just happen.  Often we are so preoccupied with the everyday hustle and bustle that we don’t necessarily recognize the shifts and changes until we find ourselves right smack in the middle of them.  Parents of adolescents bemoan the fact that it felt as if their beatific son or daughter turned into a surly adolescent over night!  Something similar occurs with toddlers.  Their invigorated sense of self and new felt autonomy changes the rules of the game.  Parents need to understand the game beforehand so that they can be aware of the winning strategies.  This does not mean, of course, that you will win by entering into a battle of wills.  To the contrary, the emotional strategies that help you understand and communicate with your child will help to socialize and protect your forward moving toddler to feel masterful in a secure and predictable world. In addition, there is the challenge of learning how to evaluate which battles are worth fighting.  Aside from issues of health and safety, many first time parents understandably struggle with figuring out what is important for their children within the framework of their family, the community, and their culture.

Dr. Jenn Berman has a wonderful new book called Super Baby.  It is available for early order on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com.  Her chapters that describe how to handle an out of sorts toddler are excellent because they help parents understand a toddler’s emotional and physical struggles from the toddler’s age appropriate developmental level.  Dr. Berman gives lovely examples about how to talk to toddlers, how to give them choices, how to set effective limits, and “how to say no without saying no”. She explains why parental predictability and consistency is key to a toddler’s healthy emotional maturation.

Parents of twin toddlers face additional challenges. Often they are required to make a decision that benefits one twin and makes it difficult for the other.  Some expectations must be the same for both children in order for the parents to model consistent, clear, and unwavering behavior about specific limits and rules. For example, one mother told me that she had to take away the bottle from one twin because the other refused to use her Sippy cup when she saw her sister with the bottle.  Another mom told me that she had to enforce the same rules for both of her sons about using the pacifier in order to quell the protests of inequality.  It takes tremendous courage for parents of twins to make decisions that do not necessarily reflect the individual needs and wishes of both children.  Usually parents of singletons are not so vigorously or repetitively challenged by their children about “unfair practices”. 

While I believe that parenting the first time around involves a big learning curve for most couples, the additional commotion and complications of two at a time poses an extra challenge that is exhausting and depleting.  The good news is that this stage does not last forever.  In fact, these little dynamos turn into loving preschoolers who remind us about the infinite wonders of life all around us that we often take for granted.

Everything You Want to Know About TWINS!!!
This event is a wonderful opportunity to learn about twins from an emotional, sociological and biological perspective.
If you still have unanswered questions, feel free to visit me at my book signing after the panel discussion.
Where: UCLA Fowler Museum of Cultural History, Lenart Auditorium
When: Tuesday, May 18 @ 7:00 pm
RSVP: darwin@socgen.ucla.edu or (310) 267-5471
Admission: Free (parking is $10)


Date: Thursday March 18, 2010
Posted in: Babyhood, Twins and Parental Connections, Uncategorized

     Recently I consulted with two mothers of twins seeking help to
understand why they have felt persistent guilt feelings since the birth of
their twins a few years ago. In both these cases the birth of twins was
spontaneous and natural – with no infertility issues. Initially, neither of
these moms relished the idea of having twins. Both felt robbed of the
traditional rituals and experiences that normally accompany the birth of a
singleton. One mom was enormously disappointed that her longings for a
vaginal birth were frustrated when the obstetrician informed her that a
C-section was imperative given the position of both babies. Moreover, after
the birth of the babies born at 37 weeks, she was not emotionally prepared
for their week stay in the NICU. As we spoke together about these
experiences, it became clear to both of us that her gnawing feelings of
self-condemnation and inadequacy were directly related to her inability to
give herself permission to feel anger and sadness about how much the twin
birth had disturbed and disrupted her romantic expectations about
motherhood. There was no one with whom she could share these expectable
ambivalent feelings. Sadly, twin moms often do not have access to others
that can empathize with the enormity of their situation while understanding
that these feelings have nothing to do with not loving or wanting their
children. Twin moms need this specific support to trust that negative
emotions associated with adjusting to motherhood do NOT erase or minimize
the love and concern they have for their babies.

     Another mom spoke to me about feeling depressed and disconnected since
the birth of her twins. She shared a harrowing story of having to spend
months on bed rest in the hospital until she gave birth to her healthy
twins. She had been told that it was of the utmost importance to stay
positive during the hospital stay because becoming upset might induce
contractions. She had never had the opportunity to understand the emotional
impact of this experience. I explained that if traumatic feelings from past
experiences are not revisited and relived, our mind dissociates. In other
words, we push aside or “forget” threatening thoughts because it feels
enormously uncomfortable to think about them. However, the price we pay for
protecting ourselves in this way can develop into a self-destructive and
depressive quality that interferes with our feeling connected and adequate.
In many cases excessive guilt feelings cover up unconscious or conscious
feelings of anger and sadness.

     I want to quote a few passages from a chapter written by a British
psychoanalyst named Dana Birksted-Breen published in a book entitled
‘Spilt milk’: Perinatal Loss & Breakdown, edited by Joan Raphael-Leff.

‘postnatal blues’ . . . relates to a state of mind surrounding a
physically and emotionally taxing major event, particularly if it took
place in unfamiliar surroundings and in an atmosphere of emergency, leading
to feelings of relief, exhaustion, heightened sensitivity to circumstances,
disorientation, etc. . . . women who coped well with the experience of
having a baby tended to modify their idea of what a mother should be like
from an idealized one to a more realistic one. Postnatally, a good mother
was now felt to need, for instance, to be diligent, hard-working, reliable,
and to like being at home with children. The women who did not cope well,
on the other hand, retained an image of a good mother as ‘loving’,
‘patient’, ‘unselfish’, ‘never losing their temper’, and they
felt themselves to be at odds with this image of the perfect, selfless

     In conclusion, I would like to ask my readers to copy and paste the link
below in order to cast a vote for my book  Emotionally Healthy Twins before April 1st because it
has been nominated for the DOUBLE UP BOOK AWARDS.


Working with twins of all ages and their families for many years, I have encountered a phenomenon that needs to be addressed and confronted.  Parents seem clueless and surprised to find out how much twins begin to resent or be annoyed by their twinship as they get older. Many parents seem to be in utter denial about these circumstances.  They do not stop to consider that the twinship might be a source of stress . . . (read full article)