Jennifer Lopez’s adorable infants appear on the cover of People Magazine with the caption “Twin Bliss”. While most of us remember that blissful feeling when our twins were born, we also remember those less than blissful moments when both babies were crying at the same time, not sleeping at the same time, and eating all the time.

Twin bliss for most moms of twins might not include diamond engraved rattles or 600 count Egyptian cotton linen. Rather, it may be something like this . . .

My Twin Bliss Wish List:

• Four pair of hands, two laps, and comfortable breasts that produce just the right amount of milk
• A breast pump that works while I sleep
• A husband who comes home from work and lovingly suggests that I go out with my girlfriends for a cup of coffee because I need a well-deserved break
• A food delivery service guaranteed to put a healthy and delicious dinner on the dining room table every night
• A genie committed solely to the task of doing laundry and cleaning
• A fairy godmother who appears every night for a year so that she can help me take care of the babies so that I can replenish my sleep deprived body and psyche
• A sound, deep, refreshing sleep full of lustful dreams where I do not awaken worried that someone is crying
• A trainer coming to work out privately with me three times a week so that I get back into shape and feel great
• The perfect nanny/babysitter available on weekdays, weekends, and evenings – her schedule is arranged so that she is free whenever I need her

All kidding aside, authentic bliss is sometimes recognizing – albeit in hindsight – that doing the best you can in challenging times helps generate an inner bliss that evolves into strength, resilience, and mastery.

We often “label” our children as a means of distinguishing each one’s personality, quirks, or differences. We innocently remark, “He’s very sociable, she’s a go-getter, he’s introspective, she’s a people pleaser.” However, in the case of twins, this naming or labeling frequently turns into an identity rather than a well-intentioned description. Twins struggle throughout their lives to find and define their uniqueness. Careless and thoughtless labeling by family and friends makes a challenging situation even more overwhelming.

With two same age siblings sharing mom, dad and physical space practically 24/7, neither twin has much of an opportunity to be known or recognized for him or herself. So, what often begins as a seemingly harmless distinction may turn into a long lasting characterization.

The other day I was speaking with a mom who has 2 1/2 year old twin girls and a one year old son. She described how one twin is very kind, maternal, and loving toward her younger brother while the other twin is angry, rejecting, and disinterested. Mother expressed concern that the “angry” twin was not behaving like her sister. I explained that most children have some sort of reaction to the birth of a sibling. In the case of twins responding to a new baby, there can be a definitive difference.

If one daughter covets the role of loving mommy toward her baby brother, what role is left for her sister to play? If she, too, acts as the loving mommy, she has one more reason to compete with her sister – this time for the attention of the new baby. If she does not feel like participating in yet another competitive struggle, she can devise a different and distinct strategy – which is to behave in an oppositional way as the hostile, angry, and unloving older sister.

I told this mom that I appreciated this mean-spirited strategy because the “angry” daughter refused to pretend to be a good girl; she was articulating her distress and sadness in an authentic way. I advised that mom attempt to help her daughter talk about her angry feelings with empathy and understanding and to let her daughter know that she understands how she feels and that things will get better. I also suggested that she take out her “angry” daughter alone so that she feels reassured that her angry feelings don’t make her unlovable; also taking her out alone with the baby will provide her with an opportunity to engage with her brother without being burdened by her sister.

The twin dynamic makes the sibling issue a bit more complicated. Parents seem more accepting about a singleton’s ambivalent feelings toward a new baby because there is no other child with whom to compare or judge his behavior. Parents of twins are consistently thrown into this world of compare and compete.

Parents who have worked diligently to carve out a separate attachment to each twin will feel better equipped to handle these inconsistencies with less guilt and fear that they are showing favoritism or special treatment. They won’t “label” their twins because they will understand this behavior is an adjustment reaction that will resolve over time - NOT a permanent personality trait that will distinguish one twin from the other.

I do understand that it is very difficult – especially the first time – to send your child off to preschool. The action itself proclaims that the child is entering into a wider world where parents can’t control their well-being. Letting go and helping your child feel that he can master feeling safe in the world without mommy and daddy is a vital developmental hurdle that lays down the internal groundwork for inner reliance and self-confidence. In this generation of “helicopter parents” this fundamental child development tenet is largely ignored.

Parents of twins approach the preschool experience with a special perspective.

Granted, mom may feel bereft since she needs to separate from two babies at the same time. However, she can minimize her loss with the knowledge that the twins have one another and therefore they will not feel alone. Of course, the twins’ close attachment needs to be approached with sensitivity and good sense .

Nevertheless, mom’s difficulty around separations should not be managed by the twinship. While twins might need to be with one another initially, there also needs to be opportunities for them to have some experiences away from one another via separate playdates, alone time with mom and dad, and eventually separate preschool classes if that is an option.

Parents must find out in advance if their twins’ public school mandates that twins be separated in kindergarten; if this is so, it is the parents’ responsibility to prepare their twins so that a smooth separation occurs.

Yes, it does take more time and effort, to be sure.

Yet, just remember that a healthy separateness beginning as early as possible helps to ensure healthy individuation throughout their lives.

“Don’t twins always want to be together?” This single inane question emanates from the mouths of the educated elite on down.

The Harvard educated high school college counselor cannot understand why my twin sons are applying to different colleges and why they make such a big deal about adjusting their schedules so they have separate classes. “I don’t understand this”, she mumbles incredulously, “don’t twins always want to be together?” Even the University executive vice president is shocked to learn that our son’s twin is attending a different college. “Don’t you realize that there is a discount for twins who are roommates?” he says to us.

Sadly, however, it is parents of twins who seem most outraged by our decision to send our sons to different universities. Our sons were aware from an early age that attending the same college was not an option. Although we recognized that some viewed this stipulation as mean, unfair, or unhealthy, my husband and I did not want our sons put in the position of having to decide this for themselves.

Parents of twins who have not recognized and nurtured their twins’ needs for individuality and separateness cannot tolerate the notion that their twins’ might want or need to be on their own. One parent I know sabotaged her twin daughter’s desire to have a separate college experience by urging the other twin daughter to apply to the same college after her sister had already been admitted. Months later she contacted me wondering why the twin who was admitted first was enraged with her sister and refusing to speak to her.

Parents, educators, and society at large need to revamp their mindset about twin togetherness.

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