There are multiple complexities about being a twin and having a twin that supersede the stupid questions and telepathic powers debate that many twins seem to be preoccupied with. The reason that they concern themselves with these superficial issues is because they are neither conscious nor aware of other feelings that cannot be expressed. Twins are brainwashed by their families and by society at large into believing that being a twin is their greatest life achievement. Of course, no one doubts the wondrous births of two babies at the same time; however, parents of twins often idealize the twinship to such an exaggerated extent that they offer no space for their twin children to express the normal sibling ambivalence, rivalry, competitiveness, and vying for attention that most sisters and brothers confront in their families. While parents of twins do acknowledge that their twins fight, they do so with a sense of surprise and guilt because they envision the twins as best friends who do not want to be separate.
IT IS TIME TO “OUT” TWINSHIP
Twins somehow do not feel that they have the permission or the psychological safety net that non-twin siblings have to express what they authentically feel. As a result, what is presumed to be the most intimate of relationships is often one of the most inauthentic and dishonest connections. Twins are so “close” (or rather enmeshed or overly dependent) that they feel as if there is a taboo that prohibits them from feeling or expressing ambivalence about their closest relationship.
I do recognize the challenges involved in dismantling the twin equilibrium that is based upon a lifetime of shared secrets, experiences, and delicate balances. However, if adult twins do not start to confront, examine, or manage some of these twinship pitfalls, the outcome will not reflect a cutesy buoyant twin resonance. Twins face difficult attachment issues as they mature and seek out significant others. Often the unspoken subjects having to do with abandonment, jealously, rivalry, domination, and accommodation are acted out rather than discussed.
Consequently, the twinship reflects a compatible superficiality that has been cultivated since childhood or it radiates with the extreme residues of unmitigated disappointment, anger, and resentment. Rarely does one hear, know, or understand how twins might struggle with their twin relationship in adulthood. People seem to assume that twins will either be best friends or enemies with no middle ground or shades of gray.
How does an adult twin establish his or her singular identity when he or she is no longer “known” as a twin? How does a twin learn to manage friendships and intimate relationships when the only real attachment they have experienced has been somewhat symbiotic, enmeshed, and omnipresent? To be sure a twin often experiences a friendship in quite a different manner than her singleton counterpart. How does a twin manage his success or accomplishments that overshadow his twin’s? How about the aftermath of the twin who marries first, has the better job, has the first baby, lives in the bigger home? Singletons have had childhood experiences that have prepared them for such discrepancies and inequalities. To the contrary, most twins have had to grapple with attempting to make things fair and equal to maintain and invest in a twin equilibrium. Thus, they are ill equipped to weather expectable differences and outcomes.
GET COMFORTABLE WITH AMBIVALENCE
Handling ambivalence is the task at hand. This means giving yourself permission to feel all sorts of conflicting feelings and knowing that this is an acceptable way to handle conflict and anger. Having the capacity to hold on to both loving feelings and upset feelings toward someone you love is one of the prerequisites of healthy attachments. People need to know that they can express reasonable negative feelings without admonishment or retribution, thereby helping people to accept that these kinds of feelings are normal within the context of most human interactions. The capacity to empathize with others in this frame of mind helps them to feel accepting about feelings that are frustrating, overwhelming, or disappointing. In this context, unpleasant feelings are experienced as a natural consequence of connections. Thus, one does not have to feel bad, guilty, self-hating, or enraged when these negative affects are expressed.
Families, friends and professionals must be sensitive to twins’ needs for freedom and space to articulate that being a twin is not all it’s cracked up to be. Twins need to be able to acknowledge these feelings without feeling as if they are breaking their parents’ hearts, annihilating their twin. or feeling like a social misfit for breaking the taboo of twin everlastingness.
Be daring, be assertive, be healthy. Be self – ish. Don’t sugarcoat the twinship because everyone expects it. Don’t avoid this challenge because you will look for twinships in all the wrong places. Deal with the jealousy, the rivalry, the competition, and the abandonment. By doing so you will be a liberated twin with a healthier outlook on attachments, twins, and most importantly yourself and your future relationships.
