My book Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children was recently reviewed on a blog targeted to moms of multiples.
The principal reviewer shared her positive and negative reactions about what she had read. She asked for feedback regarding her comments and criticisms. It was astounding how quickly information was taken out of context. The reviewer remarked that she could not embrace some of my suggestions and ideas about providing separate opportunities for each twin. Nevertheless, she did feel that it was valuable to expand her awareness about the importance of alone time and be reminded that separate opportunities can enhance the twinship as well as strengthen the parent-child attachment. However, as more and more bloggers responded to some of the things that she did not embrace in the book, they defiantly and defensively vowed not to read a book with such absurd and nonsensical suggestions. Interestingly enough, each successive comment seemed to build upon the next. Swept up in this tsunami of criticism, I was accused of being “anti-twin” , anti-mom, psychologically scarred from my difficult twinship, out of touch with reality, and uninvolved with the raising of my own twin children.
The one blogger who responded with a balanced view about my ideas had heard me SPEAK about my book. Apparently, she did not view me as a freakish, opinionated anti-twin mom living in an alien culture. I believe that she listened to my views and ideas and thought about what I had to say. She exercised her capacity to stay open-minded and to entertain different ideas and viewpoints without feeling blamed, bad, or wrong. She and her husband tried some new behaviors with their twins based upon her expanded awareness, and they were pleased with the results .
I have no problems with disagreements or debates. What I do take issue with is an individual’s inability to keep an open mind when a controversial subject appears on a blog or in a book. Instead of it becoming a witch-hunt or a lynching, why not shed defensiveness and disdain and think about the issue for yourself? The tone of my book is not judgmental. I make it extraordinarily clear that these ideas have helped me raise my sons as well as counsel others. Most experienced psychotherapists are well aware that oftentimes it is not what you say but HOW you share a controversial thought or idea. Sadly, the tone of my message is lost and my ideas set adrift without context or meaning.
3 Comments
I stumbled upon the blog, decided to buy the book and am about to do just that. As a twin mom, an educator, school counselor and mental health professional, I was not so surprised by the idea of alone time between parent and child, but was more concerned with separating my boys from each other. After reading the bit about preschool terror and how the twin bond manifests itself there, I was forced to take a good hard look at some of my preconceptions, prejudices and cultural beliefs. I feel that being able to openly challenge OURSELVES is what gives us our edge as parents. It helps us evolve, learn, grow and hopefully forgive ourselves and our children for the things we don’t get right. Saying I could do this differently, doesn’t necessarily mean that there was anything WRONG with what we were doing before. It simply means that we’re open to trying new things, exploring different ways to parent and honoring our child’s individuality - - be they twins or not. As the mother of a 21 year old, 13 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old twins (all from the same marriage), I can honestly say that I’ve made some mistakes….what makes me a good mom, is that I can say that, mean it, and work to change it.
I appreciate your book, your dedication and your open sharing of personal experiences and ideas.
Comment by Nivia Cavic on December 12th, 2009 @ 5:07 pmThis is the most comprehensive book I have read about twins. I only wish I had read it when I was preganat with my twins. My identical twins are teenagers now and I thought I had been encouraging individuality. They get along well but have been in school together and are having a hard time separating now
I appreciate your knowledge and experience and would recommend this book as a shower gift for every parent expecting twins.
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Out of all the books that I have read on twins, I truly enjoyed your book the most. It has taught me that my twins do need seperate alone time with each parent to experience situations by themselves. My husband and I make sure to spend quality time with each child, so why would that be anti-twin? I am so sorry that you had to go through a witch-hunt.
Comment by Maya on February 11th, 2009 @ 5:16 pm