I was speaking with a mom of twin toddlers the other day that was lamenting the fact that her girls were no longer content playing by themselves.  They both want mom at the same time now and are bent on outdoing the competition.  Mom used to be able to placate one while she handled the other.  Unfortunately, now the stakes have changed.  If she is sitting with one on her lap, the other comes and rests her head “assertively” on mom’s knee, making it very clear that she is not pleased about her sister’s “top billing”.

I reminded mom that developmental stages just happen.  Often we are so preoccupied with the everyday hustle and bustle that we don’t necessarily recognize the shifts and changes until we find ourselves right smack in the middle of them.  Parents of adolescents bemoan the fact that it felt as if their beatific son or daughter turned into a surly adolescent over night!  Something similar occurs with toddlers.  Their invigorated sense of self and new felt autonomy changes the rules of the game.  Parents need to understand the game beforehand so that they can be aware of the winning strategies.  This does not mean, of course, that you will win by entering into a battle of wills.  To the contrary, the emotional strategies that help you understand and communicate with your child will help to socialize and protect your forward moving toddler to feel masterful in a secure and predictable world. In addition, there is the challenge of learning how to evaluate which battles are worth fighting.  Aside from issues of health and safety, many first time parents understandably struggle with figuring out what is important for their children within the framework of their family, the community, and their culture.

Dr. Jenn Berman has a wonderful new book called Super Baby.  It is available for early order on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com.  Her chapters that describe how to handle an out of sorts toddler are excellent because they help parents understand a toddler’s emotional and physical struggles from the toddler’s age appropriate developmental level.  Dr. Berman gives lovely examples about how to talk to toddlers, how to give them choices, how to set effective limits, and “how to say no without saying no”. She explains why parental predictability and consistency is key to a toddler’s healthy emotional maturation.

Parents of twin toddlers face additional challenges. Often they are required to make a decision that benefits one twin and makes it difficult for the other.  Some expectations must be the same for both children in order for the parents to model consistent, clear, and unwavering behavior about specific limits and rules. For example, one mother told me that she had to take away the bottle from one twin because the other refused to use her Sippy cup when she saw her sister with the bottle.  Another mom told me that she had to enforce the same rules for both of her sons about using the pacifier in order to quell the protests of inequality.  It takes tremendous courage for parents of twins to make decisions that do not necessarily reflect the individual needs and wishes of both children.  Usually parents of singletons are not so vigorously or repetitively challenged by their children about “unfair practices”. 

While I believe that parenting the first time around involves a big learning curve for most couples, the additional commotion and complications of two at a time poses an extra challenge that is exhausting and depleting.  The good news is that this stage does not last forever.  In fact, these little dynamos turn into loving preschoolers who remind us about the infinite wonders of life all around us that we often take for granted.

     Recently I consulted with two mothers of twins seeking help to
understand why they have felt persistent guilt feelings since the birth of
their twins a few years ago. In both these cases the birth of twins was
spontaneous and natural – with no infertility issues. Initially, neither of
these moms relished the idea of having twins. Both felt robbed of the
traditional rituals and experiences that normally accompany the birth of a
singleton. One mom was enormously disappointed that her longings for a
vaginal birth were frustrated when the obstetrician informed her that a
C-section was imperative given the position of both babies. Moreover, after
the birth of the babies born at 37 weeks, she was not emotionally prepared
for their week stay in the NICU. As we spoke together about these
experiences, it became clear to both of us that her gnawing feelings of
self-condemnation and inadequacy were directly related to her inability to
give herself permission to feel anger and sadness about how much the twin
birth had disturbed and disrupted her romantic expectations about
motherhood. There was no one with whom she could share these expectable
ambivalent feelings. Sadly, twin moms often do not have access to others
that can empathize with the enormity of their situation while understanding
that these feelings have nothing to do with not loving or wanting their
children. Twin moms need this specific support to trust that negative
emotions associated with adjusting to motherhood do NOT erase or minimize
the love and concern they have for their babies.

     Another mom spoke to me about feeling depressed and disconnected since
the birth of her twins. She shared a harrowing story of having to spend
months on bed rest in the hospital until she gave birth to her healthy
twins. She had been told that it was of the utmost importance to stay
positive during the hospital stay because becoming upset might induce
contractions. She had never had the opportunity to understand the emotional
impact of this experience. I explained that if traumatic feelings from past
experiences are not revisited and relived, our mind dissociates. In other
words, we push aside or “forget” threatening thoughts because it feels
enormously uncomfortable to think about them. However, the price we pay for
protecting ourselves in this way can develop into a self-destructive and
depressive quality that interferes with our feeling connected and adequate.
In many cases excessive guilt feelings cover up unconscious or conscious
feelings of anger and sadness.

     I want to quote a few passages from a chapter written by a British
psychoanalyst named Dana Birksted-Breen published in a book entitled
‘Spilt milk’: Perinatal Loss & Breakdown, edited by Joan Raphael-Leff.

‘postnatal blues’ . . . relates to a state of mind surrounding a
physically and emotionally taxing major event, particularly if it took
place in unfamiliar surroundings and in an atmosphere of emergency, leading
to feelings of relief, exhaustion, heightened sensitivity to circumstances,
disorientation, etc. . . . women who coped well with the experience of
having a baby tended to modify their idea of what a mother should be like
from an idealized one to a more realistic one. Postnatally, a good mother
was now felt to need, for instance, to be diligent, hard-working, reliable,
and to like being at home with children. The women who did not cope well,
on the other hand, retained an image of a good mother as ‘loving’,
‘patient’, ‘unselfish’, ‘never losing their temper’, and they
felt themselves to be at odds with this image of the perfect, selfless
mother.

     In conclusion, I would like to ask my readers to copy and paste the link
below in order to cast a vote for my book  Emotionally Healthy Twins before April 1st because it
has been nominated for the DOUBLE UP BOOK AWARDS.

[http://www.doubleupbooks.com/page=shop/disp&pid=page_DUBBE&CLSN_2646=12656611902646a7f034e935b7e02ca6]
http://www.doubleupbooks.com/page=shop/disp&pid=page_DUBBE&CLSN_2646=12656611902646a7f034e935b7e02ca6

Working with twins of all ages and their families for many years, I have encountered a phenomenon that needs to be addressed and confronted.  Parents seem clueless and surprised to find out how much twins begin to resent or be annoyed by their twinship as they get older. Many parents seem to be in utter denial about these circumstances.  They do not stop to consider that the twinship might be a source of stress . . . (read full article)

Today’s review is on the book Emotionally Healthy Twins by Dr. Joan A Friedman, PhD. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of relevant information, and thought-provoking insight in this book! As a psychotherapist, mom of twins, and a twin herself, Dr. Friedman has a unique perspective on twin-issues, and although the parenting philosophy she introduces in the book may not be exactly what every twin parent wants to hear, I think they are exactly what we need to hear.

As parents of multiples, we love to see the close bonds that form between our children. Playing together, hugging, taking care of each other; it’s simply heartwarming. But when it comes to multiples, there is such a thing as “too much togetherness”, and for parents, learning where to draw the line is extremely important.

All children, whether singletons or multiples, need the opportunity to grow and learn as individuals. Growing up as a multiple provides many unique opportunities for close special, relationships, but also presents major challenges to the healthy emotional development of a child. The challenges will change and evolve as a child reaches toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, and high school, but the sooner we begin to treat our children as individuals, the easier these challenges will be to conquer. Using real life examples, Emotionally Healthy Twins clearly portrays the possible pitfalls of failing to allow our children to have their own, separate experiences and identities.

Dr. Friedman covers at length the unique challenges which children may face at each life stage as a twin. Beginning from the time you find out you are pregnant, through college and beyond, she offers strategies for dealing with the inevitable difficult situations that will arise. Here are just a few examples of the issues she covers:

• Feeling guilt over preferring one baby over another, due to one’s temperament compared to the other. (This is a normal feeling, and does not mean that you love one more than the other!)
• Encouraging your children to have separate interests and hobbies without having either feel left out.
• Dealing with the normal “breaking away” of twins from each other; it’s normal and healthy!
• Making each child feel special on their birthday
• Why it’s just as important to teach multiples that they don’t always have to share
• Handling differences in academic performance
• How to deal with, and help your children deal with going to separate colleges

One of the best aspects of this book is that it doesn’t only cover the emotional development of twins, but of the entire family. As we all know, parenting twins can be a very big stress on a marriage, and I truly believe that reading this book is a great first step to being prepared for the changes that come about when your babies arrive. There is a section devoted to dad-issues, as well as one which covers how to prepare your other children for their new role as big brother/sister.

Emotionally Healthy Twins is by far one of the most valuable books I have encountered on parenting multiples. Having the unique experience of being a twin, as well as raising twins gives amazing credibility to the parenting philosophy that Dr. Friedman supports. As a parent of multiples, it’s a tool that you can’t afford not to have in your arsenal!

I was having coffee with a girlfriend who had just finished reading my book.  With a perplexed and distraught look on her face, she confided that she felt upset and disappointed about the fact that it had NEVER even occurred to her to spend time alone with her son and daughter.  She was shocked as well as confused that she had not thought about this idea at all.  Furthermore, as she did have help at home most weekdays when her twins were babies, she had the luxury and the opportunity to spend alone time.  She admitted that in retrospect, spending alone time with each baby might have provided the most feasible and logical solution to help soothe the helplessness and guilt she experienced as she attempted to bond with both babies.

I reassured my friend Sheila that many parents of twins do not embrace this idea for lots of different reasons.  From a practical standpoint, without help from outside caretakers, the notion of alone time is unrealistic. Understandably, many parents who have limited help want to spend the time away from their children to enjoy their alone time or to plan that well-deserved date night with their husbands.  Nevertheless, I have learned through my work with many families that resistance to or lack of awareness about the importance of spending alone time is not strictly a matter of logistics, finances, or inconvenience.

There are a number of possible explanations.  My friend Sheila, similar to many other moms of multiples, certainly considered her fraternal boy/girl twins as individuals.  She celebrated their uniqueness in terms of names and clothing; yet, this awareness did not extend to the importance of spending alone time with each baby.  She felt that the triadic connection between her babies and herself blinded her to the importance of spending time alone.  She recalled vivid memories and visceral images of those overwhelmingly difficult first few months. She reminisced, with a sad smile on her face, about the time her husband had come home from work to find Sheila and the babies crying - all three of them lying together on the blanket covered floor.  She remembered her reactions after seeing those first ultrasound images of the fetuses.  The indelible visual memory of the two babies embarking upon this journey inside of her conceptually created a threesome that continued well after the babies were born.  Also, Sheila said that taking care of TWO babies gave her a sense of success, mastery and competence – feelings she desperately longed for in the face of sleep deprivation, frustration, and depression.  Looking back on this time she reflected that it did not occur to her to go out with each one separately because the trio was thriving well.  Sheila spends alone time now with her four year old son and daughter whenever she can. She relishes the time and rejoices that doctor appointments can be handled one at a time! 

My experience with alone time is a bit different.  Being an identical twin and the mother of three singletons before I gave birth to my fraternal twin sons, I did not subscribe to what I call the “twin mystique”.  I define this term to mean a romanticized or idealized notion of the twin bond.  Unlike many mothers of twins, I did not have worrisome concerns that my spending alone time with Jonny and David would interfere or jeopardize their connection.  On the contrary, based upon my own experience growing up in a culture that perpetually thinks about twinship as a magical and mystical experience, I deliberately accentuated the separate experiences as I felt that this would strengthen my bond with each child.  While this thinking may seem counterintuitive, I believe that it is sound advice because a child’s sense of self is inextricably linked to his attachment with his parents.   In my struggle to feel bonded to Jonny and David, I took both boys out separately from the time they were born.  It did not occur to me that I was breaking any taboo or interfering with their relationship. In addition, time alone helped to minimize the effects of the twin attention on the other children.  My efforts to provide both boys with individual attention whenever possible were motivated by my own struggles about feeling as if I were half of a whole and recognizing that being seen is not the same as being known.

Cultural taboos as well as societal stereotypes also make it difficult for some families to plan for alone time.  A mom in my twin support group told me that separating siblings – whether they be twins or singletons – in order to spend alone time is simply not acceptable in her culture.  She shared that she and her older brother by three years did everything together outside of school.  As she reflected upon it, she realized that it was similar to having a twin.  While she is still very connected to her brother, she related that her parents played a secondary role in her life.   She said with utmost candor that she would not be able to tolerate the criticism and disapproval of her extended family if she were to decide to try to be alone with each of her twins.

Of course, all of us have our unique life circumstances and complex variables underscore our parenting decisions.  The parental longing to keep twins paired because of the twin mystique, pregnancy and birth experiences, and the sheer fact that they look so precious together distract us from focusing upon the importance of nurturing the parent-child connection.  Committing to alone time and working through protests and anxieties on the part of both twins and their parents is an important goal. A strong bond with one’s parents is the cornerstone of healthy emotional growth and an avenue toward achieving a harmonious twin relationship.

My book Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children was recently reviewed on a blog targeted to moms of multiples.

The principal reviewer shared her positive and negative reactions about what she had read.  She asked for feedback regarding her comments and criticisms.  It was astounding how quickly information was taken out of context.  The reviewer remarked that she could not embrace some of my suggestions and ideas about providing separate opportunities for each twin.  Nevertheless, she did feel that it was valuable to expand her awareness about the importance of alone time and be reminded that separate opportunities can enhance the twinship as well as strengthen the parent-child attachment.  However, as more and more bloggers responded to some of the things that she did not embrace in the book, they defiantly and defensively vowed not to read a book with such absurd and nonsensical suggestions.  Interestingly enough, each successive comment seemed to build upon the next. Swept up in this tsunami of criticism, I was accused of being “anti-twin” , anti-mom, psychologically scarred from my difficult twinship, out of touch with reality, and uninvolved with the raising of my own twin children.

The one blogger who responded with a balanced view about my ideas had heard me SPEAK about my book.  Apparently, she did not view me as a freakish, opinionated anti-twin mom living in an alien culture.  I believe that she listened to my views and ideas and thought about what I had to say. She exercised her capacity to stay open-minded and to entertain different ideas and viewpoints without feeling blamed, bad, or wrong.  She and her husband  tried some new behaviors with their twins based upon her expanded awareness, and they were pleased with the results .

I have no problems with disagreements or debates.  What I do take issue with is an individual’s inability to keep an open mind when a controversial subject appears on a blog or in a book.  Instead of it becoming a witch-hunt or a lynching, why not shed defensiveness and disdain and think about the issue for yourself?  The tone of my book is not judgmental.  I make it extraordinarily clear that these ideas have helped me raise my sons as well as counsel others.  Most experienced psychotherapists are well aware that oftentimes it is not what you say but HOW you share a controversial thought or idea.  Sadly, the tone of my message is lost and my ideas set adrift without context or meaning. 

Recently I received an email from a despondent adolescent who was depressed and angry over the fact that no one seriously believed that being an identical twin might in any way account for his dissatisfaction with his life or himself.

He expressed that he felt odd, misunderstood, and sad because he believed that he had never had any opportunity to develop, create, or shape his own unique self. He said that his angst over these issues was dismissed as foolishness and self pity by his mother and his therapist. The teenager’s attempts to differentiate from his brother by doing separate activities were thwarted by his twin brother who ended up copying and mimicking his actions. There was no parental intervention to stop this interference or sabotage.

This boy feels adrift and isolated with his frustration and sadness because he is trapped in the “idealized” world of being a twin. Certainly, those people who have fantasized about being a twin or having a twin might readily dismiss this twin dilemma and understand the boy’s state of mind as reflecting expectable adolescent struggles. However, this is far from the emotional reality of many adolescent twins.

Imagine how troublesome it must feel to want to be your unique self and yet feel terribly unsure and conflicted about your own identity. Throw in the additional variable that the price of being your true self might come at the expense of the most significant attachment that you have. How does a conflicted adolescent cope with his or her longings for separateness and self-definition if it means the loss or alteration of the most important attachment figure? So often the twin who dares to separate is perceived as bad or wrong, and this projection creates enormous guilt and struggles for the teenage twin attempting to wrest himself into some sort of individuated person.

Do not underestimate the impact of a twin relationship on your adolescent twins.

While identical twins often have a harder time given that they have been treated as an indistinguishable unit for most of their lives, fraternal twins also have difficult obstacles to overcome. Fraternal twins frequently differ significantly in terms of their sociability, academic successes, and athletic prowess. While some sets of twins find a workable balance, many struggle needlessly because their parents do not acknowledge that the twinship can create difficulties.

One mother I worked with was exceedingly reluctant about considering the option of putting her fraternal teenage girls into different high schools. While it seemed perfectly obvious to me by virtue of the mom’s reporting that each girl was suffering tremendously by being compared and interdependent, she appeared reluctant and uncertain to provide each twin with what she needed because of the sanctity of the twinship. Reluctantly, she adhered to my advice on blind faith since she could not bring herself to acknowledge that the twinship had become a toxic attachment.

The girls are doing beautifully in their separate schools and she is forever grateful for my advice and counsel.  Again, this is another instant which substantiates my belief that parents of twins have to make important decisions for their children - the twinship cannot be such a powerful entity that decides how lives should be lived.

There are multiple complexities about being a twin and having a twin that supersede the stupid questions and telepathic powers debate that many twins seem to be preoccupied with.   The reason that they concern themselves with these superficial issues is because they are neither conscious nor aware of other feelings that cannot be expressed. Twins are brainwashed by their families and by society at large into believing that being a twin is their greatest life achievement.  Of course, no one doubts the wondrous births of two babies at the same time; however, parents of twins often idealize the twinship to such an exaggerated extent that they offer no space for their twin children to express the normal sibling ambivalence, rivalry, competitiveness, and vying for attention that most sisters and brothers confront in their families.  While parents of twins do acknowledge that their twins fight, they do so with a sense of surprise and guilt because they envision the twins as best friends who do not want to be separate. 

IT IS TIME TO “OUT” TWINSHIP

Twins somehow do not feel that they have the permission or the psychological safety net that non-twin siblings have to express what they authentically feel.  As a result, what is presumed to be the most intimate of relationships is often one of the most inauthentic and dishonest connections.  Twins are so “close” (or rather enmeshed or overly dependent) that they feel as if there is a taboo that prohibits them  from feeling or expressing ambivalence about their closest relationship. 

I do recognize the challenges involved in dismantling the twin equilibrium that is based upon a lifetime of shared secrets, experiences, and delicate balances.  However, if adult twins do not start to confront, examine, or manage some of these twinship pitfalls, the outcome will not reflect a cutesy buoyant twin resonance.   Twins face difficult attachment issues as they mature and seek out significant others.  Often the unspoken subjects having to do with abandonment, jealously, rivalry, domination, and accommodation are acted out rather than discussed. 

Consequently, the twinship reflects a compatible superficiality that has been cultivated since childhood or it radiates with the extreme residues of unmitigated disappointment, anger, and resentment.  Rarely does one hear, know, or understand how twins might struggle with their twin relationship in adulthood.  People seem to assume that twins will either be best friends or enemies with no middle ground or shades of gray.

 How does an adult twin establish his or her singular identity when he or she is no longer “known” as a twin?  How does a twin learn to manage friendships and intimate relationships when the only real attachment they have experienced has been somewhat symbiotic, enmeshed, and omnipresent?  To be sure a twin often experiences a friendship in quite a different manner than her singleton counterpart.  How does a twin manage his success or accomplishments that overshadow his twin’s?  How about the aftermath of the twin who marries first, has the better job, has the first baby, lives in the bigger home?  Singletons have had childhood experiences that have prepared them for such discrepancies and inequalities.  To the contrary, most twins have had to grapple with attempting to make things fair and equal to maintain and invest in a twin equilibrium.  Thus, they are ill equipped to weather expectable differences and outcomes. 

GET COMFORTABLE WITH AMBIVALENCE 

Handling ambivalence is the task at hand.  This means giving yourself permission to feel all sorts of conflicting feelings and knowing that this is an acceptable way to handle conflict and anger.  Having the capacity to hold on to both loving feelings and upset feelings toward someone you love is one of the prerequisites of healthy attachments.   People need to know that they can express reasonable negative feelings without admonishment or retribution, thereby helping people to accept that these kinds of feelings are normal within the context of most human interactions.  The capacity to empathize with others in this frame of mind helps them to feel accepting about feelings that are  frustrating, overwhelming, or disappointing.  In this context, unpleasant feelings are experienced as a natural consequence of connections.  Thus, one does not have to feel bad, guilty, self-hating, or enraged when these negative affects are expressed. 

 Families, friends and professionals must be sensitive to twins’ needs for  freedom and space to articulate that being a twin is not all it’s cracked up to be.  Twins need  to be able to acknowledge these feelings without feeling as if they are breaking their parents’ hearts, annihilating their twin. or feeling like a social misfit for breaking the  taboo of twin everlastingness.

Be daring, be assertive, be healthy.  Be self – ish.  Don’t sugarcoat the twinship because everyone expects it.  Don’t avoid this challenge because you will look for twinships in all the wrong places.  Deal with the jealousy, the rivalry, the competition, and the abandonment.  By doing so you will be a liberated twin with a healthier outlook on attachments, twins, and most importantly yourself and your future relationships.

A heartfelt congratulations and welcome to Angelina and Brad’s newborn son and daughter – healthy fraternal twins! However, let’s not allow celebrity births to minimize the realities of raising twins…

What is not brought to light in these star-studded reports about twin births are the real life day-to-day emotional and physical hardships particular to raising twins. I know that many moms of twins have no forum or outlet to feel validated for their sacrifices and challenges.

So, to add a bit of balance, here’s my list of my top ten twin parenting challenges that impact moms who are raising twins:

1. Surviving an uncomfortable pregnancy filled with anxiety and fear times two
2. Deciding if you can withstand the social challenge and pressure to breastfeed two babies
3. Feeling guilty and heartsick about not feeling bonded in an equal way with both babies
4. Harboring murderous feelings toward your partner who got you into this mess in the first place
5. Secretly ruminating about how you can feel so upset and disappointed after you have spent thousands of dollars on infertility treatments
6. Silently envying how your friends who have just one baby can juggle their lives with such ease and meet a friend for lunch
7. Acknowledging that having preferences does not mean that you love one twin more than the other
8. Hating to ask others for help because you wish you could feel masterful and competent on your own
9. Wanting to kill the curious people who ask you the dumbest questions about twins
10. Managing the constant comparison and labeling of your twins by well-intentioned friends and family who are not into “individuality”

Of course, as usual, all feedback and comments are welcome! Am I on target or am I just way off base - have any of you mothers (or fathers) of twins ever felt any of the above?

To Raising Emotionally Healthy Twins,

Dr. Joan Friedman

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